It's Okay to Be ME

For the past few months I have not been feeling like myself. We’ve had a lot going on around our house, but that’s not really the root of the problem. Much of my frustration stems from trying to iron out my spiritual life. Relationships with my friends, both believers and non-believers, weigh heavy on my heart and add to my confusion. Uncomfortable situations and unspoken division within my local body of believers forces me to look at issues I’d rather leave alone.

But for some reason today I woke up feeling different. It was almost like a light suddenly came on and everything fell back into place.

This is the part where some might think I am going to say I had one of those “come to Jesus” moments where I’ve repented everything wrong in my life and now I’ve been “set free.” Well, don’t hold your breath, because that’s not entirely the case.

For a long time now I have felt like I needed to do some drastic changing to be the person God wants me to be. I’ve watched how other believers live and fell into the mentality that unless I was like them, I wasn’t all that I should be. Whether intentional or not, Christians often have lofty expectations of each other, and I’ll venture out on a limb here and say that most people probably never meet up to those expectations. And because they know they don’t meet those expectations, they are discouraged and fall even further away from where they need to be spiritually. I fell victim to that vicious cycle.

I felt because I wasn’t “up to par” with some of the “big dogs” in my circle, I wasn’t adequate. And suddenly today, like a 2x4 to the head, God said, “Adequate to WHO?”

I realized that all this time I have been worried about what these people think. I’ve worried about how I can be just like them, when in reality, it’s okay just to be me. God loves me because I’m me. Not because I’m trying to be like someone else. As long as things are straight between me and God, why should what others think even matter?

Let me interject and say that I know these people probably have no idea I thought I needed to be like them. It’s not their fault. In a sick and twisted effort, Satan used their strengths to prey upon my weaknesses, and I unknowingly let him. Well, “get thee behind me Satan!” I’m on to you now.

Not everyone is cut out to have the same visions, or agree on everything. Not everyone is going to see things the same way or have the same opinions. And for the first time in a long time, I truly believe that it’s okay.

I’m not saying there isn’t room for positive growth in my life. No one’s life is perfect, so there’s always room for improvement. There are areas in my life that need work. Those areas have been identified, but they were identified by God, not by man. My personal relationship with God allows for His divine plan and purpose for my life. He has impressed upon me areas that need improvement, and I truly believe I will always be a work in progress.

I don’t have any profound answers about the big questions of life. I try not to be too profound… especially about spiritual matters. I’ll leave that for the folks wiser than I who enjoy imparting their wisdom to others. Not that I’m selfish and don’t want to share my knowledge with others. I just don’t push it on people. If you ask me, I’ll tell you what I know. If I don’t know, I’ll find someone who does. In my opinion, too many believers talk when they should be listening. And sometimes the best advice is to say nothing.

I’m no expert on spirituality, but I do know this. Putting too many rules, limitations, or even too lofty expectations on spiritual growth will stunt it. Mine has been stunted somewhat by others’ (unintentional, I’m sure) expectations for the direction my life needs to go. For a long time I felt like because I wasn’t living like those people or doing what they did, I was no good.

Not so. I am who I am. In turn, my husband is who he is. We are not perfect. We stumble. We make mistakes. We fall. We take that up with God, not man. That doesn’t give us free reign to run off and do stupid things just because… we know our responsibilities and what God expects of us.

We’re a little rougher around the edges than some, yet more conservative than others. We laugh at bodily functions and yell when we’re mad. We let our kids drink sodas and watch Spongebob. We listen to whatever music suits our mood at the time and read books written by secular authors. We watch all kinds of movies, not just the ones rated PG. We like expensive real estate and fast cars. We drive too fast and live harder than some of our counterparts, but we are still Christians. We still believe the Bible is the infallible Word of God, and we try to instill those values in our kids.

But trying to be people we aren’t, or do things the way others do them, hasn’t worked for us. We may never be “Bible thumpers.” We may never be radical holy rollers. But just as they are, we are saved by the same grace granted us by the blood of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We are capable of having an intimate relationship with Him whether we follow the exact same path our peers do or not.

In trying to emulate others, we have lost ourselves. (I know, we should die to self… It’s not about me, it’s about God… that’s not what I’m getting at...). We lost sight of what made us “US.” We got to a point where life had become boring and monotonous because we were so busy trying to “live” a certain way, we weren’t “living” at all. That in itself was a mistake on our part, but that’s okay.

It’s okay to make mistakes… as long as we learn from them. I know there are many out there who have begun a journey down a less than righteous path. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many of us who suffer for those mistakes. Some of that suffering is short term, some is much longer. Either way, walking a righteous path is not easy. Anyone who tells you it is, isn’t telling the truth. Our world doesn’t allow it to be easy.

But as the old saying goes, “two negatives DON’T make a positive.” Tearing people down because they don’t live up to our expectations doesn’t make us stronger. It weakens what little strength might have been there to start with.

I’m tired of hearing stories (and some closer to home than we’d like to admit) about one or more believers ridiculing, chastising, suspending or discouraging another believer in the name of “teaching a lesson.” I believe in leading by example, and I fully agree that everyone is responsible for their own actions, but where do you draw the line? “Let him who hath no sin cast the first stone…”

The key isn’t to tear each other down for our faults and mistakes, but to ENCOURAGE each other in our own quest for the truth. We could all point fingers at each other for the habits we have, pastimes we engage in, language we use, tasks we leave undone, promises we break, lies we’ve told… which is all the more reason to check ourselves before we cast that first stone.

Let’s not get so caught up in teaching lessons that the lesson is lost. Let’s not worry so much about what everyone else is doing that we lose sight of what God is trying to tell us about ourselves. I almost did that. But even though it took some time, God straightened me out on His own.

When I woke up this morning it was crystal clear that God wants me to be me. He made me who I am and wants me to enjoy life and His creations and blessings as I live out my time here on Earth. He wants me to live for Him, in that there is no doubt. He wants us to glorify Him by becoming beacons of light. I’m convinced he makes each of our lights shine differently to reach different people. That’s what He wants from all of us… to be lights in the darkness.

There will be many changes in store for me to reach my full potential for Christ throughout my lifetime. I’ll still mess up and struggle… but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Because it’s okay to be me.